Archive [June 2000]

ARTICHOKE POWER

Leave it to liberals. In a constant state of bitterness and anger that the dominant world fuel is eeeevil oil, libs are forever experimenting with weird “environmentally friendly” forms of energy. Now The Independent of London reports on the latest scheme for powering homes — no, not solar panels. Not windmills. The answer is … artichokes.

In Spain, farmers are growing giant, monster, mutant nine-foot-high artichokes to be burned in special power stations. When operations in two northern towns begin in two years, 105,000 tons of the dried and pulped veggies will deliver electricity to 60,000 people every year. Farmers are being bribed into growing the plants for environmentalist wacko reasons with price guarantees and subsidies from the European Union. (In Ireland, they planned to use cannabis as a fuel, but it turned out to be more expensive than wind power.)

I have a better idea. What about the tobacco plant? After all, tobacco is already being explored as the possible source for an AIDS vaccine. The plant could solve the world’s energy problems too. And just think — such a fuel source would fill every home in the world with the splendid aroma of a fine, premium cigar.

Putt-Putt

According to The Contra Costa Times, “battery-powered autos are quietly biting the dust. They’re too expensive and too limited in range, auto-makers complain.” This despite the fact that a California law requires that 4 percent of new car sales in 2003 must be all-battery cars.

The auto industry has invested more than $2 billion in battery vehicles. GM put $350 million worth of R & D into the EV-1, its all-battery car. But the thing’s a dud. Ford had to downsize its electric dreams to basically a souped-up golf cart. The stupidly named “Neighbor” car can’t go more than 25 mph and is intended “for running errands in planned communities.” Oh, that’ll be a big seller!

Bob Purcell, executive director of General Motors’ Advanced Technology Vehicles, says: “Think of all-battery cars as the microwave ovens of the roads. It comes as a complementary vehicle in your garage, not as a replacement.” Count me out.

It’s yet another pothole in the road to liberal utopia. So will California change its law, since their dumb idea won’t work? If you think so, you don’t know liberals.

Suds Tax

The geniuses at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention — funded by taxpayer dollars — have discovered the cure for gonorrhea and other sexually transmitted diseases. What new miracle medicine could this be, you’re wondering? Well, it isn’t a medicine. No, the Centers for Disease Control has recommended … tax increases. I am not making this up. A CDC study released last month contends that gonorrhea could be reduced by up to 9 percent by raising the tax on a six-pack of beer by 20 cents. Harrell Chesson, a CDC “health economist,” says: “Alcohol has been linked to risky sexual behavior among youth. It influences a person’s judgment, and they are more likely to have sex without a condom, with multiple partners or with high-risk partners.” The CDC compared changes in gonorrhea rates to changes in alcohol policy in all 50 states from 1981 to 1995. Various states raised beer taxes 36 times. Gonorrhea rates among the 15 to 19 age group dropped in 24 of those instances, and rates among those aged 20 to 24 dropped 26 times. And, as I have often pointed out, everyone who has ever eaten carrots has died. Therefore carrots kill people. It makes just as much sense, folks.

Sensible Prom Reform

So you thought background checks were for guns. Well, in the upper class suburb of Roca Raton, Florida, they do background checks on high school prom dates.

That’s right. In order to ensure a “safer prom,” reports Tampa Bay Online, administrators at Spanish River High School screened dates who don’t attend school there, and banned “those they felt posed a threat.” Seniors with non-student dates were required — in advance — to fill out a form giving their date’s name, grade, date of birth, driver’s license number, employer, employer’s address and phone, and last school attended.

Several dates were rejected because “school officials believed they could cause problems.” The principal, Geoff McKee, admitted that it takes a lot of time to do the police checks, but “the hassle” is worthwhile. After all, he says, “there’s nothing more valuable than a safe prom.”

Now all they have to do is close the dating loophole. Just think, these high school kids are out there all year long, going to movies and out to dinner on their own, without even an FBI instant check! Something for those 35,000 women to protest at their next Million Mom March.

Not Possible

Ohio’s motto, “With God, all things are possible,” has just become illegal. That’s right — thanks to the brilliant legal work of the American Civil Liberties Union, the 6th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals agreed last month that the 1959 state motto is an unconstitutional government endorsement of religion. In a 2-1 ruling, a panel of the federal court held that the words had no secular purpose and appeared to be a government endorsement of Christianity.

The phrase is from the Bible, specifically Matthew 19:26. A 1998 federal decision had allowed the motto as long as its biblical origin was left out. But that didn’t set well with the ACLU. They knew where it was from, even if no one else did, and they didn’t want to see such dangerous words on state tax returns anymore. Congratulations.

But more work needs to be done. I have heard that God might have been unacceptably mentioned in some old documents on display in government buildings in Washington, D.C. The ACLU better get cracking — it’s high time some court declared the Declaration of Independence unconstitutional.

For the Birds

For years, the people of Denver have been subjected to pigeon droppings from the ledges and window sills of city buildings. They tried high-frequency sirens, electrified strips and an anti-perching product called Hot Foot, all to no avail.

But now, officials think they have the answer to Denver’s poop problem: get the birdbrains stoned. For a year now, city pigeons have been fed corn laced with a hallucinogenic chemical called Avitrol, which gets birds flapping, “vocalizing” and generally going wacko — scaring away the rest of the flock.

Apparently, it’s a real Rocky Mountain high. Rock singer Grace Slick has said: “I have considerable experience on the subject of mind-altering drugs, and I can tell you that Avitrol is not your run-of-the-mill hallucinogen. It causes violent shaking, trembling, thirst, nausea, convulsions, disorientation and a slow death. Wow, talk about a bad trip!”

But Doug Stewart, whose company has a $250-a-month city contract to spike the birdseed, insists the stuff is safe. “There’s no way in the world I want any dead pigeons. I want to keep them fat, happy and on the move.”

Sounds like an effective program to me: “Fat, happy and on the move.” Sort of like the bird version of term limits.