Archive [November 1998]

“He could not remember Porky Pig’s wife’s name for a crossword puzzle. I reminded him it was Petunia, which I remembered, and he said he should have remembered that.” — SIDNEY BLUMENTHAL, WHITE HOUSE ADVISER, ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT BILL CLINTON’S MEMORY, IN GRAND JURY TESTIMONY

Porky breathes a sigh of relief.

“I just figured that somebody at the White House should come clean with the American people.” — PAUL BEGALA, CLINTON ADVISER, WHEN ASKED WHY HE SHAVED HIS BEARD, ON MSNBC

Why start now?

“It was right for us to pull Henry Hyde’s pants down.” — DAVID TALBOT, SALON EDITOR, AUTHOR OF THE PRO-CLINTON ONLINE MAGAZINE’S STORY ABOUT REP. HYDE’S 30-YEAR-AGO AFFAIR, QUOTED IN THE WASHINGTON POST

More useful would be to pull Bill Clinton’s pants up.

“Clinton is the first black President … It’s very simple. Black people are used to being persecuted. Hence, they relate to Clinton.” — CHRIS ROCK, COMEDIAN, EXPLAINING CLINTON’S AFRICAN-AMERICAN SUPPORT, QUOTED IN SALON

Right. And Mark Fuhrman planted the DNA on Monica’s dress.

“African-American men seemed to understand it right away. Years ago, in the middle of the Whitewater investigation, one heard the first murmurs: white skin notwithstanding, this is our first black President. Blacker than any actual black person who could ever be elected in our children’s lifetime. After all, Clinton displays almost every trope of blackness: single-parent household, born poor, working-class, saxophone-playing, McDonald’s-and-junk-food-loving boy from Arkansas.” — TONI MORRISON, NOBEL LAUREATE, IN THE NEW YORKER

Now if he could only do something about those pasty white thighs.

“The first known victim of child abuse, Clinton seemed female from the start — over-eating, over-compensating, over-accommodating and more vulnerable than the emotionally inscrutable Hillary.” — VIRGINIA VITZTHUM, AUTHOR, IN SALON

Okay, so that would make him our first black female President?

“He is certainly the most penile of Presidents we have ever had.” — GAY TALESE, AUTHOR, ON BILL CLINTON, QUOTED IN THE WASHINGTON POST

Either that, or he’s our first black female lesbian President.

“We believe elections should be … not about who’s crawling on whom in Washington.” — BILL CLINTON, AT CALIFORNIA FUNDRAISER, ON MSNBC

That’ll happen … once we elect someone not known as the “penile” President.

“If that ain’t history, I don’t know what is.” — PETER JENNINGS, ON THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY VOTE IN CONGRESS, ABC NEWS

Duh…

“The Republicans want to impeach! Impeach for what?” — BARBRA STREISAND, QUOTED IN THE NEW YORK TIMES

I guess “perjury, obstruction of justice, and intimidation of witnesses” is beyond the grasp of anyone still struggling with “is” and “alone.”

“Those Republicans will, I swear to God, drag our nation into the gutter to take him [Clinton] with them. I just hate it. It’s like ‘Fatal Attraction.’ Ken Starr is Glenn Close.” — SHARON STONE, IN ELLE

No, Sharon, Ken Starr is Ken Starr. It’s called real life: get used to it. Oh, and by the way — Bill Clinton is already in the gutter.

“I feel like a character in a novel. I feel like somebody surrounded by an oppressive force that is creating a lie about me and I can’t get the truth out. I feel like the character in the novel Darkness at Noon.’ — BILL CLINTON, TO WHITE HOUSE AIDE SIDNEY BLUMENTHAL AFTER THE LEWINSKY SCANDAL BROKE, ACCORDING TO BLUMENTHAL’S GRAND JURY TESTIMONY

No, you lied. It’s called real life: get used to it.

“Clinton is beginning to look like the victim of a high-tech crucifixion.” — TOM SHALES, TELEVISION CRITIC, AFTER THE PRESIDENT’S VIDEOTAPED GRAND JURY TESTIMONY WAS SHOWN. SHALES ADDED THAT CLINTON “LOOKED CUTE” IN HIS READING GLASSES, IN THE WASHINGTON POST

No, Clinton is beginning to look like the reprobate he is.

“[Not even] a delegation made up of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.” — UNNAMED WHITE HOUSE SOURCE, EXPLAINING WHO COULD PERSUADE BILL CLINTON TO RESIGN, QUOTED ON MSNBC

He’s too busy ministering to troubled young people.

“If there is a right wing conspiracy, its members range from the reclusive billionaire Richard Mellon Scaife, to a small cabal of conservative attorneys, to the former Nixon spy Lucianne Goldberg, to the devious Ms. Linda Tripp, to people connected to Starr himself.” — GERALDO RIVERA, ON CNBC’S “RIVERA LIVE”

Yeah. They meet in Al Capone’s vault.

“Maybe it is the irony of this terribly painful moment, which I regret very much putting you all through, that we are being given yet one more chance to affirm our better selves. But I’m telling you, based on my experience, the right thing to do is the right thing to do.” — BILL CLINTON, SPEECH AT A DNC FUNDRAISER

Based on exactly what, in your experience?

“There is one person who’s at the center of all the progress in our country. And that is our President, Bill Clinton.” — AL GORE, AT CAMPAIGN RALLY, QUOTED IN THE ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH

Right. Progress in the spread of “no controlling legal authority.”

“I don’t know. I am not privy to the discussions. And, in fact, I can honestly say the first I heard about this is when I read it in the paper.” — JAMES CARVILLE, ASKED BY TIM RUSSERT WHY BILL CLINTON WOULD WANT TO SETTLE THE PAULA JONES SUIT, ON NBC’S “MEET THE PRESS”

Depends on the definition of “honestly.”

“Yes, he did lie to me about sex. But you know what? I’m over it.” — JAMES CARVILLE, ON CNN’S “CROSSFIRE”

Well, if that won’t end this inquiry, I don’t know what will.

“To me, Mr. Speaker, it is clear that the President lied when he testified before the grand jury … [but] censure or rebuke is the appropriate punishment. Impeachment is not.” — REP. CHARLES SCHUMER (D, NY), ON THE FLOOR OF THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, QUOTED IN THE NEW YORK POST

Why censure or rebuke? The grand jury should just get over it.

“He does not have to admit to perjury … [But] I think if I were President Clinton, I would have my attorneys write to the grand jury and correct the record.” — SEN. ROBERT TORRICELLI, ON NBC’S “MEET THE PRESS”

Why correct anything? The record should just get over it.

“We now know from the video, he handled Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr’s grand jury grilling reasonably well — if perjuriously.” — MORTON KONDRACKE, IN ROLL CALL

Minor detail.

“We shouldn’t have lied about it.” — UNNAMED CLINTON ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL, ON THE WHITE HOUSE’S INITIAL DENIAL OF THE PRESIDENT’S ANTI-IMPEACHMENT LOBBYING OF THE SENATE, AFTER SEN. ROBERT BYRD ADMONISHED: “DON’T TAMPER WITH THIS JURY,” QUOTED IN SALON

Why break your record?

“I have now been President six years. I spent a lot of time working on problems like the awful killings in Bosnia; dealing with the leaders of Central Africa, where somewhere between 700,000 and 1 million people were hacked to death in the Rwandan Civil War, because they were of different tribes; working trying to end the old wars that date back 30 years in the modern era, and hundreds of years in history, in Ireland, the land of my forbears; working in the Middle East. And the thing that strikes me about all these conflicts is how much they have in common with racial and religious and political hatreds that we see in America. You know, if you look at a lot of this politics, it’s just downright hatred.” — BILL CLINTON, SPEECH AT A DNC FUNDRAISER 10/7

Translation: the Republicans are eeeevil.

“We have seen in too many places around the world that even with people elected as leaders in a democracy, old attitudes die hard … old hatreds in the guise of democratically elected leaders are no better for the citizens of their country and their neighbors than before democracy occurred.” — HILLARY CLINTON, ADDRESSING THE FORUM 2000, RADIO FREE EUROPE/RADIO LIBERTY

Translation: the Republicans are eeeevil.

“I think any time a person has to go through a searing personal experience and come to terms with truth and genuinely atone, and genuinely make the effort to change, that’s an immensely liberating experience. It makes you stronger. It makes you straighter.” — BILL CLINTON, INTERVIEWED IN THE WASHINGTON POST

Straighter? Not according to Paula Jones.